Tub Talks with Damon Jacobs — Featuring Rahim Thawer
In this intimate and thought-provoking episode of Tub Talks, therapist, educator, and author Rahim Thawer joins host Damon L. Jacobs for a wide-ranging conversation on queer mental health, sober sex, rejection, and the complexities of desire. Speaking candidly from a bathtub, Rahim reflects on body image, aging, identity, and the internalized messages that shape queer relationships and sexuality. Across four compelling parts, this dialogue unpacks emotional vulnerability, the psychology of validation, and the liberating potential of secure attachment and self-worth.
Watch the video on YouTube
https://youtu.be/Y8U4PT_zSDY?si=_KJhg-SxikcrBSS2
Tub Talks Interview
Interview Breakdown — 4 Parts
Part 1: Body Image & Turning 40
Rahim discusses his evolving relationship with his body, the impact of aging, and how sobriety has shifted his physical and emotional awareness.
Part 2: Queer Masculinity, Desirability & Body Ideals
A deep dive into the pressures of masculinity, cultural introjects, internalized racism, and the dynamics of seeking validation in queer spaces.
Part 3: Sober Sex, Rewiring Pleasure & Emotional Healing
Exploring sober intimacy, anal dyspareunia, rejection sensitivity, and the importance of cognitive reframing in sexual and emotional experiences.
Part 4: Ghosting, Grief & the Banquet of Connection
Rahim and Damon unpack digital rejection, attachment wounds, the eroticization of unavailability, and the importance of building resilient, multi-source support systems.
Part 1: Body Image & Turning 40
Damon:
Welcome to Tub Talks. My very special guest in the tub today, all the way from Canada — I’m pointing up like Canada is right upstairs — is my friend, colleague, therapist: Rahim Thawer.
Rahim:
You got it.
Damon:
I’m so excited to have you here. You’re an inspirational source in the world and in our profession. I waited a long time to have you here, and when I started this series, you were one of the first people I wanted in the tub.
Rahim:
What an honor. I’m excited to be here.
Damon:
Your energy, your intellect, your point of view about health, mental health, and celebration really inspire me. I’ve heard you speak many times in Canada.
Rahim:
Yeah.
Damon:
So before we dig into your amazing new book, let’s start with something different. Rahim, what do you like about your body?
Rahim:
Oh my gosh. That’s a complicated relationship. There are days I’m mean to my body and days I’m nice to it. Today’s one of those nice days. I’d say: it takes me a lot of places, does a lot of things. It has stamina. I like my legs. And I like my face — especially today.
Damon:
What do you like about your face?
Rahim:
I gave myself a hot towel facial today and felt like a new girl!
Damon:
[Laughs] Do you ever look at yourself naked in the mirror and say, “I like what I see”?
Rahim:
I have — but not recently. I’ve been grieving the body I had 10 years ago.
Damon:
For 10 years?
Rahim:
Yeah. Always hoping to get back to that place. But it’s been so long. It’s probably time to accept where I am now.
Damon:
What was different about your body 10 years ago?
Rahim:
I could go to the gym more. I got more sexual attention. Now, I’m teaching full-time, doing a doctoral program, managing a private practice, writing a book — just not enough hours in the day. And I quit drinking two years ago, which totally changed how I feel in my body.
Damon:
How did that affect you?
Rahim:
The inflammation went down. I used to think bloody stool every week was normal. Turns out it’s not! [Laughs] I was drinking a lot. Not drinking also meant not going to bars or staying out late. It shifted where and how I sought social or sexual validation.
Damon:
And now you’re in Alabama.
Rahim:
Yeah. The gays are… less visible. Things are in flux. But turning 40 soon — July 11th!
Damon:
What does 40 feel like for you?
Rahim:
Honestly, it feels great. Took me this long to learn a bunch of stuff. I love where I am. No regrets.
Damon:
Would you want to experience your body differently when you look in the mirror?
Rahim:
Yes — less self-critically. I’m using basic CBT techniques to reframe all-or-nothing thoughts around gym and exercise. It’s not just about how I look anymore. Exercise creates space in my brain — it helps access optimism.
Part 2: Queer Masculinity, Desirability & Body Image
Damon:
One of the things I love about you is your openness — your willingness to talk transparently about your body and how that relates to your professional work. That’s not easy.
Rahim:
Thank you. I think our relationship to the physical body is an ongoing process, and it gets easier when we challenge societal “shoulds.” Like heteronormativity.
Damon:
Totally. Gay men often inherit misogynistic expectations around thinness and body ideals — just like the pressures women have long faced. Then we start judging ourselves and each other with that lens.
Rahim:
Yes. And I think a lot of our homophobia growing up was actually femphobia — rooted in sexism. Seeking a muscular body became a way to reclaim masculinity and give our femininity “permission” to exist.
Damon: Youthfulness is prized in our community, too. It’s a big market.
Rahim:
Absolutely. And many of us are single. We flock to big cities for access to queer life — but dense cities with a large gay population also normalize prolonged singleness. You don’t have to be in a relationship to get your needs met.
Damon:
And that proximity to “power” shows up in who we desire. Sometimes it’s about wanting to be near someone who embodies something we feel we lack.
Rahim:
Exactly. So if I don’t like my body, I might pursue someone with the features I wish I had. If they’re with me, it feels validating. But that becomes a hamster wheel, because someone else will always be “more” in some way — bigger arms, smaller waist, whiter skin. Especially on the apps.
Damon:
Totally. I remember that time in 2018 when we were driving back from the Guelph Sexuality Conference. You mentioned feeling invisible at circuit parties filled with muscle queens. I said, “Rahim, I’m certain someone there would find you attractive.” You weren’t ready to hear it — but you were open.
Rahim:
I remember. You were helping me challenge a fixed schema. I used to say “I’m not getting validation,” but I realized I was looking for it in places where I was least likely to find it — and too afraid to take a risk. Now, when someone hits on me, I try to make it count instead of dismissing it.
Damon:
That’s powerful. And your new book pushes back against so many “shoulds.”
Rahim:
Yes, it explores the introjects — the internalized voices telling us how we should behave. From monogamy to body image, we assume things like monogamy will be “easier,” but all relationships require intentional work and communication.
Damon:
I ask my couples: “What was your agreement?” And they just say, “Well, we’re married,” which historically meant nothing — or worse, it meant the man had all the sexual freedom.
Rahim:
Right. We avoid hard conversations because of anticipatory grief. “If I say what I want, you’ll leave.” But that avoidance only grows resentment. People often come to therapy not to fix a relationship — but to end it. And some only stay in a relationship because of the label — “partner,” “husband” — which can be validating or oppressive.
Damon:
That nuance is so helpful. Also, your book is refreshing because it’s one of the few queer mental health books not written by white cis gay men. You bring in voices from South Asia, queer Muslims, and newcomers to Canada.
Rahim:
Yes. In private practice and through my work in the HIV sector, I’ve supported people from so many backgrounds. And I noticed: queer guys face unique determinants of mental health — body image, substance use, hookup culture. The underlying issues may differ, but the pressures are shared.
Damon:
So when you stopped drinking, how did it impact sex?
Rahim:
At first, I feared sober sex would be awkward or mechanical. But it’s actually great — just different. If I hook up with someone who’s been drinking, I now feel a mismatch. Sometimes I even wonder, “Can you consent?”
Damon:
Yeah, it’s like being on two different planets. I don’t do meth, so chemsex isn’t my scene — not from a moral place, just a disconnect.
Rahim:
Same. I’ve had encounters where I thought, “We are just not in sync.” One time, a guy was on GHB. I thought, “This might’ve been fun if I were on it too — but now it’s just… a lot.” G makes you want to poop, and I was like, “I’m at a stranger’s house. This is not the time to poop.”
Damon:
[Laughs] The juice ain’t worth the squeeze!
Rahim:
Exactly. It’s so much admin! Consent, trust, planning… It’s just too much management.
Damon:
So how does sober sex compare in terms of bodily sensation?
Rahim:
It’s a yes and no. I’ve had euphoric connections on drugs. But with sober sex, I’m starting to look for deeper connection. The griminess that once felt thrilling now just feels… gross. Maybe it’s also where I’ve been living — Winnipeg, South Africa, now Alabama. The environments weren’t exactly nurturing my needs.
Damon:
Would you move somewhere else more intentionally?
Rahim:
Yes. Maybe New York. Or somewhere that supports the kind of connections I want now.
Damon:
Do you feel pressured to know your next move?
Rahim:
No. I like having a plan, but the pandemic taught me to tolerate uncertainty. As long as democracy’s intact and judges still matter, I’ll stay open to what’s next.
Part 3: Sober Sex, Rewiring Pleasure, and Emotional Healing
On Reclaiming Pleasure Without Substances
Damon:
Sometimes sex without chemicals helps us reconnect to how the body is naturally wired for pleasure — especially in the taint area. (I didn’t even learn about this until my 50s!) Conscious breathing, intentional focus — it can create euphoric, full-body pleasure.
Rahim:
Yes, and I know that theoretically — from things like sensate focus and guiding others. But for years, I conceptualized substances as the gateway to sensation, connection, and performance.
Damon:
It’s interesting, because for me, PrEP helped unlock my sexual confidence. But then there were still all the “what ifs”: syphilis, gonorrhea, blood, shame… I used drugs to escape that anxiety. Eventually I asked: “Can I access pleasure without fear, and without drugs?”
Rahim:
Same here. And I’m learning to tell a new story. One that doesn’t require substances. But I’ve inherited narratives like: “I can’t bottom without G or poppers,” or “it’s too painful without a drug.” I internalized that from other gay men.
Damon:
We can write new stories. Neuroplasticity makes it possible.
On Anal Dyspareunia & Medical Interventions
Rahim:
There’s actually a term for painful anal sex: anal dyspareunia. It can be caused by tight sphincter muscles, often linked to cognitive patterns or trauma. But it can also be biological.
Damon:
I just interviewed someone in Union Square — Steven Lavender — who treats this. Some clients use dilators or even Botox to medically relax the area for more comfortable penetration.
Rahim:
That’s huge. Because a positive sexual experience can become a template for future ones. And while drugs can create that moment, they don’t help us recreate it sober. Medical interventions might.
Damon:
The goal is a healthy relationship between your butt and your brain. If your brain is panicking — “I’ll get hurt, I’ll bleed, I’ll be humiliated” — your body will clench. And then it will hurt. But we can rewire that.
On Rejection, Ghosting & Grief
Damon:
Your book devotes an entire chapter to rejection — which you frame as a form of pain. That felt powerful to me.
Rahim:
Yes. Our connection landscape is different. We’re on apps. We’re often seeking sex and long-term relationships. That means we face constant micro-rejections — getting blocked, ignored, unmatched. And every rejection risks activating core beliefs about being undesirable or unsafe.
Damon:
Like schemas we’ve carried since childhood — “I’m too much,” “I’m unlovable,” “If they knew the real me, they’d leave.”
Rahim:
Exactly. Many of us came out anticipating rejection — carefully selecting who we’d tell. That trained us to mobilize emotionally in advance. When we’re ghosted as adults, those childhood wounds can get reopened.
Damon:
Especially for those with neurodivergence. You mention that queer folks often overlap with ADHD or autism. And those individuals may rate higher on rejection sensitivity scales.
Rahim:
Yes. They may feel rejection more acutely, and masculine culture doesn’t give us much permission to talk about that pain.
On Ghosting, Breadcrumbing, and Orbiting
Damon:
You describe some newer terms in your book. Let’s break them down.
- Ghosting: Ending all communication without explanation.
- Breadcrumbing: Dropping signs of interest without commitment.
- Orbiting: Lurking or engaging with someone’s social media while avoiding direct contact.
Rahim:
Right. A lot of people ghost without malicious intent. But when you’re on the receiving end, it feels very personal. I did a workshop poll once: almost no one who ghosted did so to hurt someone. But most people who were ghosted thought it was intentional harm.
Damon:
That’s the dissonance. It’s not always about you — but it feels like it is. What do we do when we feel ghosted or breadcrumbed?
Rahim:
Ask yourself: “Is this about their anxiety or avoidance — or about me?” If they’re avoidant, it’s better to name it than calendar endlessly. If you’re the breadcrumb-er, ask: “What am I afraid of? Am I avoiding closeness?”
On Desire, Power, and the “Addiction Model”
Damon:
You say something striking: many of us sexualize what we can’t have. Sometimes that’s rooted in a power imbalance — we feel low, and we’re drawn to those who seem unattainably high-value.
Rahim:
Yes. That creates a dynamic where our desire becomes a chase. We convert rejection into erotic energy. But if we’re always chasing people who aren’t into us, we might be trapped in a masochistic loop.
Damon:
I call that the Addiction Model of Sex: “I need someone or something external to feel okay.” But you can’t outsource your self-worth. Eventually, the high fades.
Rahim:
Exactly. And that desperate energy — people can sense it. It repels them. The antidote is returning to a place of secure attachment.
On Secure Attachment & Internal Check-Ins
Rahim:
I don’t think attachment style is fixed. I move between anxious, avoidant, and secure. When I’m anxious — “Why hasn’t he texted?” — I pause and ask: “Am I afraid he’ll leave?” If I’m avoidant — “I don’t want to reply” — I ask: “Am I afraid of losing myself?”
Damon:
That’s profound. It’s about identifying your headspace before reacting.
Rahim:
Yes. Secure attachment comes from grounding in your worth — knowing you’re okay whether they text or not.
Part 4: Rejection, Mixed Signals & Resilient Connection
The Ambiguity of Mixed Messaging
Damon:
You describe this experience of orbiting — when someone ghosted you, but still follows you, likes your posts, shows up digitally. It’s so confusing.
Rahim:
Right. One guy I hooked up with liked my work, engaged online, but never messaged again. That kind of mixed messaging can feel like surveillance. You’re wondering: “Did I do something wrong? Did something happen I don’t know about?”
Damon:
Exactly. You can do your screw-diligence and still be left with no clarity. And it activates all those deeper insecurities — especially when you’re already navigating racism, ageism, or body shaming in queer spaces.
Rahim:
Yes. And when someone is orbiting because they admire you from a distance — as a “personality,” not as a real person — they might fetishize proximity to you, but not want true intimacy.
Damon:
Sometimes people want to borrow your visibility or perceived power — without actually connecting with you. It’s a form of fantasy-projection. But they’ll be disappointed, because no one can live up to that fantasy.
When Vulnerability Feels Dangerous
Rahim:
This is why we need to talk about grief. Sometimes rejection activates loss — the loss of how we hoped the world would see us. If someone only wants giant muscles or a specific racial aesthetic, and we’re not that, we have to grieve the idea that we’ll ever be that person to them.
Damon:
Yes. Some things are outside our control. And instead of shaming ourselves, we need to sit with that sadness.
Rahim:
Absolutely. Not every rejection is about your narrative or schema — sometimes, it’s just reality. And we must be willing to grieve that reality, not keep chasing the same impossible validation.
On Disney, “The Chase,” and Eroticizing Unavailability
Rahim:
We’re taught to eroticize unavailability. We say things like, “I like the chase” or “he’s playing hard to get.” It’s in our media. Disney taught us persistence is sexy.
Damon:
But that pursuit model reinforces rape culture. It rewards conquest, not consent. If someone isn’t into you, don’t try to wear them down.
Rahim:
Right. Yet many of us still sexualize rejection. We’ve turned the pain into desire. That’s dangerous. If you keep throwing yourself at someone who has never shown interest, it’s not boldness — it’s harm to yourself.
Damon:
So how do we stop doing that?
Rahim:
You ask yourself: “Do I know this kind of person is never into me? Then why am I still chasing it?” That’s the masochistic wound. Maybe your attraction is trying to resolve an old injury. But instead, it just keeps reopening it.
From Desperation to Internal Security
Damon:
In my 20s, I would say: “I don’t like myself. You don’t seem to like me either. Perfect!” And when someone did show interest, I’d think, “You must be desperate.”
Rahim:
That’s real. And now I check in with myself constantly:
- Am I feeling anxious because I’m afraid they’ll leave?
- Or am I avoiding them because I’m afraid I’ll lose myself?
That distinction helps me move back into a secure space.
Damon:
Secure connection means: “I already know I’m whole.” And sex becomes an extension of my self-worth, not a source of it.
Rahim:
Exactly. That’s how we break out of the addiction model.
On Validation and the “Banquet of Connection”
Rahim:
Validation-seeking is normal. But we can’t rely on one source. That’s dangerous.
Damon:
Like when your entire self-worth is tied to a partner or job — any challenge or criticism can destabilize your entire identity.
Rahim:
Yes. We need multiple sources of affirmation: friends, family, career, hobbies, chosen family, community.
Damon:
I call it a “banquet of connection.” People nourish us in different ways — intellectually, sexually, spiritually. No one person can do it all.
Rahim:
Exactly. And when we diversify where we find love, care, and reflection, we’re more resilient in the face of disappointment or rejection.
On Relationships, Abuse & Emotional Safety
Damon:
I’ve seen how this imbalance can lead to abuse. If someone becomes your whole world, you’ll tolerate cruelty just to keep that lifeline going.
Rahim:
Yes. Especially if you’ve never built internal safety. You’ll cling to anyone offering temporary relief, even if it hurts. That’s why it’s so important to create your own internal ecosystem of worth.
Final Notes from the Tub
Damon:
So for folks watching — Rahim will be speaking live in New York at The Center on June 15, 3 p.m., and touring the U.S. this summer. The link is down below. Your book is an incredible resource.
Rahim:
Thank you. And people can find all my writing and tour info at thepoliticizedpractitioner.com.
Damon:
This series now has over 180 episodes, and I’m so glad yours is one of them. In a world not reflecting love, we need more conversations like this.
Rahim:
Are we going to The Eagle tonight?
Damon:
Maybe tomorrow! [laughs]
About Damon
Damon L. Jacobs is a licensed marriage and family therapist, sexual health educator, and nationally recognized advocate for HIV prevention, mental health, and pleasure-based living. With over two decades of clinical experience, Damon specializes in blending cognitive behavioral techniques with a sex-positive, harm-reduction approach to support individuals and couples navigating intimacy, grief, and personal empowerment.
He gained national attention as a leading voice in HIV prevention education, particularly for his work demystifying PrEP and DoxyPEP. He is a key figure behind the “PrEP Facts: Rethinking HIV Prevention and Sex” Facebook group, which has educated over 24,000 members worldwide. Damon has been interviewed by NPR, MSNBC, Al Jazeera, HLN, New York Times, and has spoken at national and international health conferences including NMAC, USCA, and AIDSWatch.
Damon is perhaps best known as the host of the celebrated YouTube interview series Tub Talks With Damon, where he facilitates candid, often shirtless, conversations in a hot tub with activists, educators, artists, and thinkers. These episodes explore themes of joy, sex, aging, grief, HIV, body image, masculinity, queer liberation, and mental wellness. With more than 200 episodes and guests spanning multiple generations and identities, Tub Talks has become a beloved and innovative platform for healing and community storytelling.
As a speaker, Damon’s keynotes are known for being warm, funny, and deeply practical. He brings clinical insight and personal lived experience to topics such as:
- Living with joy and agency in a “should-less” culture
- Navigating gay dating, rejection, and resilience
- Centering pleasure and reducing shame in sexual health
- Building inclusive public health approaches that affirm diverse bodies and desires
Damon is based in New York City, where he maintains a private therapy practice. His writing has appeared in HuffPost, The Advocate, and TheBody.com, and he is the author of Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve.
You can follow his work at tubtalkswithdamon.com or subscribe to his YouTube channel @DamonLJacobs.
This essay was first published on Medium on June 8, 2025.
