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Free decision guide

Taking responsibility after harm

Step-by-step questions for people who have caused harm in a relationship and want to change.

Download the printable guide (PDF, 5 pages)

How to use this guide

Start with safety. Follow each yes or no route. Return to a question when the guide asks you to; after Q5 you can enter any of the four paths.

This guide supports reflection and action, but cannot assess danger or replace specialized help.

Your emotions and history may help you understand a pattern. You remain responsible for your choices and their impact. The person harmed does not owe you contact, reassurance, repair, or forgiveness.

Start: safety and accountability

Q0 Is there a current risk that you might harm your partner or someone else?

If no

  • Move to Q1 only while safety is maintained.

Go to Q1

If yes

  • Create distance now; do not seek a confrontation.
  • If danger is immediate, call emergency services; seek specialist or crisis support.
  • Do not use this guide to determine whether someone is safe.

Get immediate help, then return to Q0 when safe

Q1 Can you clearly name what you did without minimizing or blaming?

If no

  • Write the specific actions, including threats, control, intimidation, and other harms.
  • Remove qualifiers such as “but” and “we both.”

Return to Q1

If yes

  • Name your actions and their impact.

Go to Q2

Q2 Can you take responsibility while noticing any urge to blame?

If no

  • Notice “they made me” or “I had no choice.”
  • State what you chose and what you will change.

Return to Q2

If yes

  • Move forward without requiring agreement from the person harmed.

Go to Q3

Q3 Can you tolerate guilt, shame, anger, or fear without acting harmfully?

If no

  • Pause; step away without using withdrawal as punishment.
  • Use grounding and reach a safe support person.

Practise, then return to Q3

If yes

  • Continue to examine practical risk.

Go to Q4

Q4 Are there factors that raise the risk of harm?

If no

  • Continue; revisit this question as circumstances change.

Go to Q5

If yes

  • Address substance use, weapons, isolation, prior violence, and escalating control with appropriate specialist support.

Act on the risk, then go to Q5

Q5 What do you need right now?

You may move between these paths, and do not skip accountability. Return to safety and accountability whenever risk or blame reappears.

Path A: Understand patterns

Q6 Can you use your history to understand your actions while staying responsible?

If no

  • Write an explanation that does not excuse the behaviour.

Return to Q6

If yes

  • Look at underlying feelings without shifting responsibility to your partner.

Go to Q7

Q7 Can you identify what you felt beneath your reaction?

If no

  • Ask what you feared or could not say; notice shame, fear, or loneliness.

Return to Q7

If yes

  • Name the feeling without treating it as a reason for harm.

Go to Q8

Q8 Can you identify what you were trying to get or protect?

If no

  • Consider reassurance, closeness, validation, safety, or certainty.

Return to Q8

If yes

  • Distinguish the need from any demand made on another person.

Go to Q9

Q9 Can you separate your need from what you did?

If no

  • Write both: “I wanted X” and “I chose Y, which harmed someone.”

Return to Q9

If yes

  • Continue without treating a need as permission.

Go to Q10

Q10 Can you examine your part in the pattern without diluting accountability?

If no

  • Return to Q2. Avoid turning the account into a debate about your partner.

Go to Q2

If yes

  • Map cue → feeling → choice → impact; then go to skills.

Go to Path B

Path B: Build safer responses

Q11 Can you spot early warning signs before harmful behaviour?

If no

  • Identify body signals, thoughts, and repeated situations; record them.

Return to Q11

If yes

  • Write the signs into a practical interruption plan.

Go to Q12

Q12 Do you have a plan for strong urges?

If no

  • Pause, leave safely, regulate your body, delay messages, and contact a support person who is not your partner.
  • Get specialist help for coercion, threats, stalking, or violence.

Build a plan, then return to Q12

If yes

  • Practise the plan before a crisis and review whether it works.

Go to Q13

Q13 Can you communicate feelings without control, anger, or punishing withdrawal?

If no

  • Practise statements about your feelings and choices; respect the other person's choice not to engage.

Practise, then return to Q13

If yes

  • Check whether your actions match your words over time.

Go to Q14

Q14 Do you have accountability outside the relationship?

If no

  • Find a qualified intervention program or practitioner suited to the harm; arrange check-ins.

Arrange support, then return to Q14

If yes

  • Track specific behaviour change with that support.

Go to Path C · or Path D

Emotion regulation can help interrupt behaviour, but it does not by itself address coercive control or establish safety. Seek a specialist program when those patterns are present.

Path C: Work with guilt

Q15 Can you feel guilt and stay focused on the impact of your actions?

If no

  • Move from “I am a bad person” to a specific account of the harm and its effects.

Return to Q15

If yes

  • Keep attention on your actions rather than asking the person harmed to comfort you.

Go to Q16

Q16 Can you tolerate guilt without rushing to fix or escape it?

If no

  • Delay an apology or contact; use grounding and outside support.

Practise, then return to Q16

If yes

  • Continue accountability even if repair never occurs.

Go to Path B · or Path D

Path D: Consider repair only when appropriate

Q17 Have you shown accountability and behavioural change over time?

If no

  • Do not seek repair yet. Continue Paths A and B with outside support.

Go to Path A · and Path B

If yes

  • Consider the other person's boundaries and safety.

Go to Q18

Q18 Can you accept no contact, repair, or forgiveness?

If no

  • Do not initiate contact. Return to distress tolerance and respect boundaries.

Go to Path C · then Q18

If yes

  • Check whether contact is welcome and permissible; a no-contact order settles this question.

Go to Q19

Q19 Is your aim accountability rather than relief from guilt?

If no

  • Return to Path C; do not ask the harmed person to manage your guilt.

Go to Path C

If yes

  • Only if contact is welcome and safe: name the harm, do not justify it, ask for nothing, and honour every boundary.

Continue change without expecting repair

Return point

If you minimize, blame, act on urgency, ignore risk, or violate boundaries, return to Q0 for safety and Q1 for accountability. Change is visible in repeated behaviour over time.

Where to find help

Where to go next

  • Psychotherapy

    Individual therapy that holds accountability and understanding together.

  • Find a therapist

    Canada's Queer and Trans Therapists directory.

  • Self-reflection tools

    Questions about emotions, personality, and money without diagnostic labels.