A Case for Developing Emotional Hygiene Practices with Dating and Hook-up Apps

It’s been just over ten years since Jaime Woo published Meet Grindr: How One App Changed The Way We Connect (2013). There are some dynamics that, frankly, have not changed since Woo first described what people can expect and provided a guide to the norms of the online space. I’ve recently delivered workshops on Apps & Anxiety hosted by The Love Tank UK and the Community-Based Research Centre, and found myself still citing Woo’s description of Grindr as a game with the following players:

The Time wasters: These are the folks who are on the app because they simply have time to kill between things. They’re bored, just wanting to see who’s on the grid or waiting for friends to arrive for a dinner reservation.

The Endless Chatterers: These are our friends who like conversation! They may make a plan to meet but will inevitably have a scheduling or life conflict that gets in the way. Likely, they have some anxiety about meeting up or are unsure about what they want beyond the screens of their phone.

The Down-To-Business Folks: These are the master sushi chefs who scan ingredients (variety, quality, vibrancy) and plan. Their approach might make others somewhat interchangeable, which helps them lean into encounters that feel more anonymous.

Status Quo: These are the wait-and-see folks. Sometimes, they’ll initiate conversations and meetups; other times, they’ll want to receive this from others. They are on the apps with multiple motivations: friendships, sex, dates, and networking.

The Flakes: These are our magical friends who are able to engage deeply and then simply disappear. Woo describes this archetype akin to a video game user who simply died and re-spawned somewhere else fresh!

Whether you’re queer or straight, this online world can be exhausting. And, in 2024 we have a slew of other sociological phenomena that have emerged. The phenomena of ghosting, breadcrumbing, and orbiting introduce a layer of complexity to our interactions that can be both confusing and hurtful. These behaviours, where communication is either abruptly cut off or maintained at a minimal and non-committal level, challenge our expectations and hopes for genuine connection. The emotional toll of these experiences can be significant, leading to feelings of rejection, loneliness, and self-doubt. As outlined by Schewitz and Madden (2023), there are multiple forms of ghosting that we’ve come to be aware of. Below is a sampling of these from their article.

Breadcrumbing is when someone gives you just enough attention to get your hopes up but not enough to make a real connection happen. They might text you every couple of weeks or like your posts on Instagram just when you’ve forgotten about them.

Classic ghosting is when someone doesn’t respond to your messages or reach out ever again. They might do this in the middle of a conversation or after you two have made plans to meet up.

Soft ghosting also called the slow fade, is a gradual drop in communication that turns into ghosting over time. When someone soft ghosts you, they might take hours to respond to your message or stop initiating conversations. They might also “like” your messages instead of responding.

Haunting is when someone ghosts you and then pops back into your life! When someone haunts you, they won’t send you a message or ask you out again. They’ll probably just keep lurking in the background, making their presence known every now and then.

Orbiting happens when someone persistently lurks on your social media, reacting to your life updates and general musings. They don’t want to reach out or talk to you again, but they do want to stay up to date on what you’re doing.

As a therapist and gay man using dating and hook-up apps, I can attest that the online dating world often amplifies the pressures and insecurities related to body image, identity, and social acceptance. The emphasis on profile pictures and the ease with which one can dismiss another based on superficial criteria contribute to a culture where appearance and instant judgment outweigh deeper qualities. For queer and trans folks, this environment can exacerbate the challenges of seeking validation and acceptance in a society that often marginalizes our identities.

In reflecting on the phenomena of online dating, I am reminded of the importance of approaching this virtual landscape with a balanced perspective. While recognizing its potential to bring joy and connection into our lives, we must also be mindful of its challenges and the impact they can have on our mental and emotional well-being.

Lit Review, part 1: Ghosting and Mental Health

The phenomenon of “ghosting” — ending a personal relationship suddenly and without explanation by ceasing all communication — has emerged as a notable behavioural pattern, particularly in the context of online dating and social media. The following literature review explores the hypotheses, participant demographics, findings, and recommendations of nine contemporary studies examining the implications of ghosting on mental health.

Freedman et al. (2018) hypothesized that ghosting could be predicted by one’s implicit beliefs about relationships. They found that those with a stronger belief in destiny were more likely to endorse ghosting as an acceptable end to a relationship. Their study emphasizes the need for further exploration into the cultural and individual belief systems that rationalize ghosting behaviours.

Halversen, King, and Silva (2021) investigated reciprocal self-disclosure and rejection strategies among Bumble users. Their study with 1,324 participants revealed that users often prefer non-confrontational rejection strategies, which include ghosting. The study calls for dating platforms to address the communication challenges inherent in digital interactions.

LeFebvre et al. (2019) focused on ghosting in emerging adults’ romantic relationships, treating it as a ‘digital dissolution disappearance strategy.’ Involving 150 participants, the study concluded that ghosting is often used to avoid the discomfort of direct confrontation, and its use correlates with the level of technology integration in daily life.

Navarro et al. (2020) sought to understand the psychological correlates of ghosting involving 1,116 adults. Their findings suggest that ghosting experiences are associated with higher levels of social anxiety and lower levels of self-esteem. They recommend mental health professionals consider the impact of online social interactions in therapeutic contexts.

A subsequent study by Navarro et al. (2021) examined the factors associated with the intention to ghost and actual ghosting behaviours. They suggest that past experiences of being ghosted significantly predict the likelihood of ghosting others, proposing a cycle of ghosting behaviour perpetuated through online dating experiences.

Oneika and Dubar’s study (2021) provided a definition and context for social media ghosting, discussing the perceived psychological consequences. They offer qualitative insights into the coping strategies individuals employ when faced with ghosting.

Pancani et al. (2021) analyzed the experiences of ghosting victims and confirmed that they experience negative emotional responses and a decrease in psychological well-being. The study underscores the need for awareness regarding the emotional impact of online relationship terminations.

Powell et al. (2021) expanded upon Freedman et al.’s work by examining attachment styles and implicit theories of relationships in ghosting experiences. Their multi-study approach provided robust evidence that certain attachment styles, particularly anxious attachment, are more susceptible to both being ghosted and ghosting others.

Lastly, Timmermans, Hermans, and Opree (2020) explored the ghosting experiences of mobile daters with 783 participants. Their study found that ghosting is a common experience among mobile daters and that it can lead to feelings of frustration and low self-worth. They recommend further research to develop a more nuanced understanding of the psychological impact of ghosting.

Takeaways: The reviewed literature consistently points to ghosting as a behaviour that can have significant psychological repercussions, particularly as it relates to self-esteem and emotional well-being. There is a clear indication that both the prevalence of technology in relationships and the individual’s implicit beliefs and attachment styles contribute to the likelihood of ghosting or being ghosted. These studies collectively advocate for a greater understanding and consideration of ghosting within the context of mental health, with a call to action for both the public and professionals to address the underlying causes and effects of this modern social phenomenon.

Lit Review, part 2: Impact of Apps on Mental Health

In general, ghosting is about the ways we make meaning of non-closure. What about the use of dating and hook-up apps in general? In addition, I’m always interested in specific explorations of mental health experiences in sexual and gender minority folks — those are my people! Here’s what I found:

Bhave (2019) posits that the anonymity and accessibility of online dating can exacerbate mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression, among users. The study, engaging with a broad conceptual framework, suggests that the virtual dating environment can lead to a paradox of connectedness, where users feel simultaneously connected and isolated.

Breslow et al. (2020), with a sample of 250 sexual minority men, hypothesized that online objectification leads to lower self-esteem. Their findings confirmed that users experiencing higher levels of objectification on apps report significantly lower self-esteem, implicating the role of digital environments in shaping self-perception among queer guys.

Goldenberg (2019) delves into the paradox of digital dating, where the pursuit of connection leads to feelings of disconnectedness among gay and bisexual men. Through interviews with 30 participants, Goldenberg identifies a common theme of seeking validation through apps, which paradoxically fosters feelings of isolation and inadequacy.

Griffiths and Armstrong (2023) focus on the trans community within the queer spectrum, exploring the dating app experiences of 61 trans individuals. The qualitative analysis reveals that trans users often encounter misrepresentation and misunderstanding on dating platforms, contributing to a sense of alienation and impacting mental health.

Holtzhausen et al. (2020) conducted a cross-sectional study with 304 participants, examining the association between swipe-based dating app use and mental health outcomes. Their findings indicate a significant correlation between frequent app use and indicators of anxiety and depression, suggesting the potential mental health risks associated with app engagement.

Licoppe, Rivière, and Morel (2016) explore the interactional achievements within Grindr, a popular dating app among men who have sex with men. Analyzing conversations and interactions among 400 users, their study illuminates how the app’s design and usage patterns contribute to a culture of objectification and superficiality, potentially impacting users’ self-esteem and mental health.

Tran et al. (2020), in a qualitative study involving 24 young gay and bisexual men, investigated the impact of body image on mental health within the context of dating apps. The study reveals that negative body image, fueled by the standards perpetuated by app interfaces and user interactions, is linked to depressive symptoms and low self-esteem among participants.

Wade et al. (2021) examine the experiences of racialized sexual discrimination (RSD) on mental health among 250 young sexual minority Black men. The study finds that encounters with RSD on dating apps are associated with increased stress and diminished mental well-being, highlighting the intersectional challenges faced by queer men of colour in digital dating spaces.

Takeaways: The reviewed literature consistently indicates that while dating apps offer opportunities for connection, their use is also associated with a range of mental health challenges for all users, though there are nuanced implications for queer and trans guys. Recommendations for future research include the development of interventions aimed at reducing the negative impacts of app use, promoting safer and more inclusive online spaces, and further exploring the nuanced experiences of diverse queer populations within digital dating environments.

Rahim’s Emotional Hygiene Guide for Dating and Hook-up Apps

As a therapist and gay man using dating and hook-up apps, I think we need to reflect more on the ways we engage with various virtual platforms. Each of them has its own etiquette and culture (i.e. norms, rules, expectations, interaction), and each of these leaves us vulnerable in ways we might not consider. Navigating the digital world of dating apps has been an eye-opening experience for me. I’ve developed the following guide, which offers practical advice for dating and hook-up app users.

Set Realistic Expectations

Drawing from Bhave (2019), who highlights the paradox of connectedness in online dating, establish achievable goals for your online interactions to mitigate feelings of isolation and enhance satisfaction from smaller victories, such as engaging conversations or enjoyable meetups. Understanding what success looks like in the realm of online dating has shifted my perspective significantly. Success isn’t solely about finding a lifelong partner but also about the smaller victories, like having a pleasant conversation over coffee or a fun, casual hook-up. This broader definition of success helps me appreciate the varied experiences online dating brings without being bogged down by societal pressures or unrealistic goals.

Accept Multiple Online Mindsets

Recognize the multiple motivations that bring people into the app sphere. For some, it comes with a process of elimination and probabilities game mentality, while for others, it’s a down-to-business and outcome-driven feat. It’s essential to balance the playful aspect of swiping and matching with the serious intention of finding genuine connections. This understanding will encourage authenticity and transparency.

Embrace Authenticity

Referencing the work of Halversen, King, and Silva (2021), prioritize genuine self-representation in your profile. Their study underscores the preference for non-confrontational rejection strategies, suggesting that authenticity can lead to more meaningful connections and mitigate the discomfort associated with digital rejection. However, when you meet people who misrepresent themselves, be generous in your interpretations. Think about it as either their way to self-protect against difficult expectations or as a way to create mystery that’s consistent with their online mindset (e.g. no pic = sexualizing anonymity).

Prioritize Mindful Swiping/Scrolling

Inspired by Pancani et al. (2021), slow down the swiping process to focus on quality over quantity. Their findings on the emotional toll of ghosting advocate for a more deliberate approach to selecting potential matches, reducing negative emotional responses. In the fast-paced environment of dating apps, it’s easy to get caught up in the endless cycle of swiping.

Encouraged by Licoppe, Rivière, and Morel’s (2016) analysis of interactional achievements on Grindr, take a slower, more thoughtful approach to reviewing potential matches. Their study suggests that rapid, superficial judgments can detract from the potential depth of online interactions.

Confront Insecurities

Online dating can sometimes amplify insecurities and anxieties, especially around body image and acceptance. Leverage insights from Navarro et al. (2020), who associate ghosting experiences with lower self-esteem and higher social anxiety, by actively addressing personal vulnerabilities and insecurities. Engage in self-reflection and seek support to navigate the emotional challenges of online dating. By acknowledging and confronting these feelings head-on, I’ve personally found ways to manage the stress and anxiety that come with putting myself out there. Whether it’s taking a break from the apps or seeking support from friends, it’s vital to address these feelings rather than letting them fester.

Engage in Regular Self-Reflection

Drawing from Powell et al. (2021), who link attachment styles to ghosting behaviours, periodically assess your emotional state and dating app experiences. This self-reflection can help identify patterns that may contribute to or result from app interactions, fostering a healthier engagement with dating platforms. For example, I often ask myself whether my online dating experiences are bringing me joy or frustration. This reflection helps me to stay aligned with my reasons for using dating apps in the first place and to reassess my engagement with them.

Limit App Usage

Inspired by findings from Holtzhausen et al. (2020), which correlate swipe-based app use with anxiety and depression, establish boundaries for your app usage. By setting specific times for app engagement, you can avoid the compulsive behaviours likened to the slot machine effect.

Explore Growth Opportunities

Reflecting on Tran et al. (2020), which connects negative body image on dating apps to depressive symptoms, challenge yourself to seek out non-sexual hangouts and diverse conversation topics. This approach can promote personal growth and mitigate the impact of negative self-perception. Examples in my life include challenging myself by meeting matches sooner, attempting non-sexual hangouts, and steering conversations in new directions.

Reassess Emotional Needs

Utilize insights from Griffiths and Armstrong (2023) on the dating app experiences of trans folks to continually evaluate what you seek from online connections. Their study highlights the importance of aligning app use with current emotional needs to avoid feelings of alienation. For me, the thrill of new encounters serves as a splash of excitement in my life. Other times, I find myself combating feelings of isolation, reaching out for any form of human connection to fill the void. This introspection has helped me align my app use with my emotional needs, ensuring that my online engagements are more meaningful and reflective of my current state of mind.

Foster Positive Interactions

Building on Goldenberg’s (2019) research on the paradox of digital dating, make an effort to identify and replicate the elements that have led to enjoyable and fulfilling connections in the past, thereby focusing on qualities that encourage positive interactions. For me, it’s often the shared interests, the laughter over mutual jokes, or the unexpected compatibility in areas I hadn’t thought to explore. The conditions of travel often make for exciting connections; how can that novelty and freedom be accessed in your home city?

Confront Your Judgements

Inspired by the findings of Licoppe, Rivière, and Morel (2016), which illustrate how dating app interfaces can perpetuate a culture of objectification and superficiality, make a conscious effort to challenge your initial judgments and biases. Recognizing and actively working against these biases can open you to a more diverse range of potential matches, which is better for the health of our collective community. So, drop any stereotypes and false equations you have about the following:

· Race and proximity to power (i.e. White superiority)
· Race and dick size (i.e. Black objectification)
· Dick size and sexual satisfaction
· Ethnicity and sexual position
· Non-monogamy or HIV status and risky behaviour
· Monogamy and “progressiveness”
· Gym selfies and fat bodies

Process Difficult Experiences

Drawing on the research of Wade et al. (2021), which highlights the mental health implications of racialized sexual discrimination (RSD) experienced by young sexual minority Black men on dating apps, foster a supportive network. Sharing your experiences of racism, femmephobia, or ghosting with friends can offer therapeutic benefits, deepen your connections, and provide a reminder that you are not navigating these challenges in isolation. It’s through these conversations that I’ve found strength and validation, reminding me that I’m not alone in my struggles.

Cultivate Relationships Outside of Apps

For the love of gawd: don’t forget that you’re a real person outside your phone!

Reflecting on Holtzhausen et al. (2020), which correlates frequent dating app use with symptoms of anxiety and depression, remember the importance of investing in real-life relationships. Balancing online dating with face-to-face interactions in platonic and community settings can offer a grounding sense of belonging and support, contributing to a more balanced social life.

Conclusion

It is evident that while the advent of dating and hook-up apps has revolutionized the way we connect, they have also introduced complex dynamics that can significantly affect users’ mental and emotional health. The persistent presence of phenomena like ghosting, breadcrumbing, and orbiting creates an environment fraught with non-committal communication and the potential for emotional distress. For queer and trans folks, these issues are compounded by societal pressures and the search for validation within an often stressful social context.

The literature reviewed underscores the psychological impact of app interactions, making a case for emotional hygiene in navigating this virtual landscape. It is crucial for users to cultivate a balanced perspective that allows for the joys of connection while being mindful of the potential for negative emotional outcomes. This entails setting realistic expectations, managing one’s engagement with the apps, and fostering a deeper awareness of personal emotional needs.

The app emotional hygiene tips I’ve provided are not only a call for individual mindfulness but also a prompt for broader discussions on how dating apps can evolve to support more satisfying social interactions. As we continue to integrate technology into our social lives, I believe that developing robust emotional hygiene practices is essential for maintaining the integrity of our relationships and our well-being in the digital age.

References

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This essay was first published on Medium on March 4, 2024.